Thursday, June 9, 2011

shes dead

lorraine is dead my only friend

her mother was the one that called me said that she was gone no body just gone there was blood on the windowsill of her room i don't understand she lived on the top floor of her apartment it should have been safe why wasnt it

why didnt she listen to me

why wasnt i able to warn her save her she had so many problems but she used to joke about it why didnt she take me seriously

why her why not me

i found out this morning and haven't been able to stop crying all day. i hate how everyone acts like they don't notice she's gone. oh, she's just out sick again, it's no big deal.

i can't do this. i can't let this happen again. not to anyone else that i care about.

i'm leaving. in the next few days. i'll have to find an easy way to sneak out of the house.

there are things to do. letters to write telling everyone not to worry, especially my father. i can't bear to think about what he'll say to my mother when i'm gone, so it'll have to be good. homework doesn't matter for now. 

i wonder what i should bring with me. a couple changes of clothes should be fine enough. a sweater in case it gets cold or rainy. this laptop. it will be imperative, no matter how heavy. you are my connection. you are my hope. 

a knife.

and books. i must bring books. i know it will weigh me down, but i can't live without them. my books have become everything to me. i cannot bring myself to leave them behind. i'm a smart girl, so everyone has told me, and i don't want to lose that yet.

i've managed to buy an amtrak ticket to new york city. i know i can't stay there long; everyone thinks it's safe there but the more people who turn there for solace the more dangerous it becomes and the more likely it is that HE can find you there. HE's smart. HE catches on quickly. HE can't stay confused by the tall buildings forever. i'm hoping to move farther south, and nyc is a good transit point.

i don't want to feel like this is the end of my life here. i want to come back, no matter how horribly i've spoken of this city, this home, this family before. i want to return, someday, when it's finally safe and i don't have to run. i'll come back and my parents won't have to worry about me anymore. (i still want to send them letters when i get the chance. i can't have them panicking about me.) i'll finish my education. i've lost some chance of getting into college, missing my final year of high school like i will. but i'm intelligent. an ib student. they won't be able to deny that. i'll do my years in college and get a good job like my parents always wanted them to. and i'll be an author on the side. writing's a passion of mine and i'm not going to give that up, not even for them, not even after what i'm about to put them through.

this isn't the end. it's just the beginning of something new. 

if one is not eaten by the labyrinth halfway through, it leads you not to the end but back to the beginning.

or something like that.

i'll be back.

i miss you already lorraine. sleep well.

1 comment:

  1. Isn't this sad. Run, my little mouse, run... how does it feel to be prey?