F'htagn

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Another one of those strange days

when everything goes the way it's supposed to and it seems as though life might actually be going your way.

It wasn't special at all. But the idea that I had one Sunday that wasn't terrible, one that didn't end in me crying myself to sleep or raging internally at my parents for a good three hours before exhausting myself....it happens so rarely that it actually unnerves me.

Spent my afternoon at the bookstore and got a new book about Existentialism. Stuffed clams for dinner. Ice cream for dessert. I'm not feeling confused or angry or afraid; if anything, there's just that lingering twinge of sadness and doubt that never quite goes away, but I'm starting to get used to it and it doesn't bother me quite as much.

I laughed today. With my mother and brother, no less. Not a little chuckle of agreement. A real laugh...and it felt amazing.

I feel revitalized. Like there is something brighter to look forward to tomorrow...and there's not a six-and-a-half-foot-tall God-knows-what lurking outside your window. Only flowers and birds and a pleasant breeze and sunshine, just like it used to be...a few months ago? That's really how long it's been?

I've looked back at my posts from the beginning of this blog. My first thoughts are only of how stupid I was, but then I realize, it's not that I was stupid. I've just grown up. I've learned more since March...more than I ever really needed to know.

I'm not trying to make this sound like a goodbye. I'm still going to be here tomorrow.

I'm sure of it.

2 comments:

  1. Don't be sure of anything.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm not going to let you ruin this.

    Do you know what I'm doing right now, as I type this? I'm smiling. Because you've been wrong every other time I've listened to you, and I'm not going to start getting paranoid now that you've began again with your false prophecies. The doubt lingered even while you were gone, and I will learn to live with it.

    Scurry along, Mouse-Tyrant, we've no longer any need for you here.

    ReplyDelete