F'htagn

Monday, June 27, 2011

Feels like it's been a while.

June 15th. How long ago was that? A few weeks ago? It feels longer. So, so much longer.

I've found a home. Well...not exactly. But I'm no longer wandering. After my battery completely failed on my laptop, I thought I was going to go crazy. I felt alone amongst these millions of people. Not a single person to cling to, no one to understand, sympathize. No one to talk to. I was on the verge of exploding from the sheer volume of words.

I'm so grateful of Ray. That she took me in without question...it's made me happier than I could have thought possible since I arrived here. For the first time I felt as though I might actually be able to survive here. Even though I know I must leave soon.

Ray's one of the few people I met in my many internet travels. I've never actually met her before, but we've talked quite a bit on various forums and chatrooms. She doesn't know anything about Slenderman, besides what I told her a long time ago, when I too was first learning of Him. Compared to what I've been through these last few months, her life seems perfect.

I miss my family dearly. I never thought I would. Perhaps the mouse wasn't ready to leave her hole just yet.

Lorraine's body was found in the woods last Sunday. There's nothing much I can say about that. I regret not being able to attend her funeral....but if she had her way, she would forgive me for not being there. She would have said I needn't be burdened by her....



I've started dreaming again; they're not the same dreams I had before. They're clearer, and more realistic. He hasn't appeared in any of them. I think they're dreams of what I'm missing. I had a bad one near the beginning of my trip here: my mother coming down the stairs, seeing the note, breaking down in sobs and screaming to the heavens...I'm not sure what to say about it. I know she misses me, but I can't go back. Not yet. Not if I want them to stay safe and happy.

They're at the beach now, if my newest dream is correct. Everyone's gone with them: my grandmother, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my brother and his friend, my mother. My father is there too. He vowed never to speak to my mother's family after they divorced. In a sick way, it's almost as though my absence has brought everyone together. My mother still looks...I can't describe it.



Ray's brought lunch. Until next time.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

No longer going as planned.

It's been five days since I arrived in New York City.

Since then, everything has gone wrong.

I was mugged Sunday night. He didn't take the laptop, nor was I hurt, which I suppose was a blessing (who knows what could have happened to me wandering the streets of New York at night). He was a petty thief, probably a druggie; only interested in the money I had on me at the moment. But he had a knife, and my knife is somewhere back at the Amtrak station several hundred miles away from here. He took all of it. Meaning I have nothing for a bus ticket, nothing for coffee and nothing for a new weapon to keep me safe. I may soon have to resort to stealing myself. All I have left are a few crushed packages of Poptarts to eat, my books, and you.

Until I can find some way to pay, I can't move any great distances. New York is a big place, so I should be alright for a few days longer without being found. I need somewhere to stay, somewhere safer than an alleyway.

I need to cut my hair. It's freaking disgusting and it gets in the way. Another act of defiance against my father and I'm not even with him anymore? Ha. Guess old habits die hard.

Clerk is kicking me out of the shop for not buying anything. Will update when I get the chance.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Finale

That was the longest walk of my life. 

I've never done something like that before. I just walked out of my house in the middle of the night and that was it. But my house is so far from the train station it's a miracle I didn't pass out from exhaustion. Or get mugged along the way. I suppose even the corrupt and destitute need to sleep.

Not I.

I'm surprised no one questioned me when I arrived. I guess they often see people my age traveling on their own. They did take away my knife, though. I hadn't thought it was that conspicuous; even after I explained it was for self-defense for my walk here they refused to let me keep it. I'll have to purchase another when I finally reach New York.

It's almost 8 am. We've been traveling for a while. I haven't seen anything or anyone. But I can't sleep yet. Just because I'm on a moving train doesn't mean I'm safe.

I haven't got a lot of money to make this trip. I had saved $120 from Christmas until now, that I had planned on spending on something frivolous, like anime. Forty of that is gone, and another twenty-five must be saved for my bus ride when I finally depart from the city. I have some idea of where I'll be going next--it's simply a matter of whether the other factors will be in my favor. I'll also need some amount else for a new pocket knife, and more if I want to buy food, and more for coffee in order for me to stay at a Starbucks or other with free internet. I'm not losing any of you just yet. My savings are dwindling already if I think of it that way. I might need some way to make money. When I was little I had a dream of making it to Broadway when a big-time producer saw me singing on a streetcorner. Wasn't I cute? Besides, that would attract all the wrong kinds of attention.

If music can soothe the most savage of beasts, why can it not be used as a weapon as well?

O, the nonsense I speak when I'm low on sleep. I'll have to get used to it. 

No outlets on the train. Running low on batteries. I will update as soon as I can.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

shes dead

lorraine is dead my only friend

her mother was the one that called me said that she was gone no body just gone there was blood on the windowsill of her room i don't understand she lived on the top floor of her apartment it should have been safe why wasnt it

why didnt she listen to me

why wasnt i able to warn her save her she had so many problems but she used to joke about it why didnt she take me seriously

why her why not me




i found out this morning and haven't been able to stop crying all day. i hate how everyone acts like they don't notice she's gone. oh, she's just out sick again, it's no big deal.


i can't do this. i can't let this happen again. not to anyone else that i care about.


i'm leaving. in the next few days. i'll have to find an easy way to sneak out of the house.

there are things to do. letters to write telling everyone not to worry, especially my father. i can't bear to think about what he'll say to my mother when i'm gone, so it'll have to be good. homework doesn't matter for now. 

i wonder what i should bring with me. a couple changes of clothes should be fine enough. a sweater in case it gets cold or rainy. this laptop. it will be imperative, no matter how heavy. you are my connection. you are my hope. 

a knife.

and books. i must bring books. i know it will weigh me down, but i can't live without them. my books have become everything to me. i cannot bring myself to leave them behind. i'm a smart girl, so everyone has told me, and i don't want to lose that yet.

i've managed to buy an amtrak ticket to new york city. i know i can't stay there long; everyone thinks it's safe there but the more people who turn there for solace the more dangerous it becomes and the more likely it is that HE can find you there. HE's smart. HE catches on quickly. HE can't stay confused by the tall buildings forever. i'm hoping to move farther south, and nyc is a good transit point.

i don't want to feel like this is the end of my life here. i want to come back, no matter how horribly i've spoken of this city, this home, this family before. i want to return, someday, when it's finally safe and i don't have to run. i'll come back and my parents won't have to worry about me anymore. (i still want to send them letters when i get the chance. i can't have them panicking about me.) i'll finish my education. i've lost some chance of getting into college, missing my final year of high school like i will. but i'm intelligent. an ib student. they won't be able to deny that. i'll do my years in college and get a good job like my parents always wanted them to. and i'll be an author on the side. writing's a passion of mine and i'm not going to give that up, not even for them, not even after what i'm about to put them through.

this isn't the end. it's just the beginning of something new. 

if one is not eaten by the labyrinth halfway through, it leads you not to the end but back to the beginning.

or something like that.

i'll be back.

i miss you already lorraine. sleep well.




Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Come on~

Not at school today again? 

And now you're not answering your phone, either? 

Quit messing with me, silly~

You're sitting there, reading this and every text I've sent you for the last hour and refusing to reply to them, and laughing your ass off.

You've always thought this was funny. Well, it is. I'm cracking up too! You're hilarious!

Now pick up the phone~!






Right.

Fucking.

Now.

Monday, June 6, 2011

He followed me to school today.

Well, not exactly. My mother drove me there and He just happened to be standing the next street over.

Honestly, I wouldn't have cared. I wasn't frightened. At least, not for myself.

That street happens to be the one where my (only) friend lives.

And she wasn't in school today.

Needless to say, I almost had a panic attack.

But I called her as soon as I could, and she picked up. Said she's had a cold for the last couple days and she's trying to sleep it off. She hasn't noticed anything unusual, though her cough sounded fucking horrible.

My own cough isn't doing as well as I thought. I've been coughing up bile the last hour, in fact.

If you're reading this (and I REALLY hope you're not) don't you dare scare me like that again. And keep your windows locked. At the very least, it'll keep the proxies out.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Another one of those strange days

when everything goes the way it's supposed to and it seems as though life might actually be going your way.

It wasn't special at all. But the idea that I had one Sunday that wasn't terrible, one that didn't end in me crying myself to sleep or raging internally at my parents for a good three hours before exhausting myself....it happens so rarely that it actually unnerves me.

Spent my afternoon at the bookstore and got a new book about Existentialism. Stuffed clams for dinner. Ice cream for dessert. I'm not feeling confused or angry or afraid; if anything, there's just that lingering twinge of sadness and doubt that never quite goes away, but I'm starting to get used to it and it doesn't bother me quite as much.

I laughed today. With my mother and brother, no less. Not a little chuckle of agreement. A real laugh...and it felt amazing.

I feel revitalized. Like there is something brighter to look forward to tomorrow...and there's not a six-and-a-half-foot-tall God-knows-what lurking outside your window. Only flowers and birds and a pleasant breeze and sunshine, just like it used to be...a few months ago? That's really how long it's been?

I've looked back at my posts from the beginning of this blog. My first thoughts are only of how stupid I was, but then I realize, it's not that I was stupid. I've just grown up. I've learned more since March...more than I ever really needed to know.

I'm not trying to make this sound like a goodbye. I'm still going to be here tomorrow.

I'm sure of it.

Friday, June 3, 2011

What I find funniest of all

is that ever since I've gotten followers, the people who had commented previously on my blog (Modus Operandi and gebrochen Bauer, as far as the named ones go) have since fallen away. The proxies (or maybe truly just trolls?) have gone silent.

I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.

No mood to talk right now. May update later this evening or tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Storms

Of a more literal type.

Western Massachusetts was hit by three or so tornadoes today. Downtown is completely torn up. I spent most of my time in the storage room of a local Barnes and Noble.

Sick to my stomach.

If I thought I didn't sleep well before, tonight is going to be a doozy.

It's a wake up call, in a lot of ways. There is a lot more danger than just Him out there that I need to worry about. Running may end up being even more difficult than I thought.

But I don't have time. I need to figure this shit out, and soon.

Do svidanya.