F'htagn

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Lethargic

Not in much of a mood to update, but then again, when am I? I've barely a cheery post on this thing. I only seem to want to post when I'm bored out of my skull or emotionally unstable. Whenever I want to bitch about something or decry the unfairness of the world and hell why can't it just be the way I want it all the time and never change. Fat lazy elitist overemotional teenage bitch that I am.

Spring break. Nothing to do. Getting dragged around by my parents left and right. I haven't seen any of my friends since I left school on Friday (excepting the tennis match yesterday, but that doesn't really count, we were all so busy getting ready for the matches; my mom took me home immediately afterward too, so I never got a chance to talk to anyone). Thank god the counselor planned that trip for Thursday, otherwise I don't know what I would do. We're going to be going hiking along this trail a few towns north of here. It's amazing. Seventeen miles; and though we won't be going the whole way, we'll at least be going more than the quarter-mile my parents can tolerate. Maybe someday I'll walk the entire thing. That would be amazing. The counselor's also planning to pack a picnic lunch to have somewhere along the way. Tennis match at three, then we're going out for pizza for dinner, then to a poetry slam later that night. This is all going to be in one day, too. Not since convention have I been so excited to get the fuck away from my family.

I would never tell them, oh god no, but....I feel like they're part of the reason why I feel so grounded. I'm constantly dreaming up places I want to go, things I want to do; but money or personal issues always get in the way. Everything I want to do, it has to be with my family. They hold me down. I need to be out, be free. I'm not going to spend my whole life holed up in the house. I'm not going to be a doctor or a mathematician or a physicist or, god forbid, a philosopher. No more Sartre or Kant or Nietzsche once I'm grown, oh no. I'm going places. I'm going to see the world. And I will not let them stop me. I'd like to see them fucking try.

5 comments:

  1. We are to seek delight, not in appearances, but behind them; we are to recognize how everything which comes into being must be ready for painful destruction; we are forced to gaze directly into the terror of individual existence—and nonetheless are not to become paralyzed: a metaphysical consolation tears us momentarily out of the hustle and bustle of changing forms.

    For a short time we really are the primordial essence itself and feel its unbridled lust for and joy in existence; the struggle, the torment, the destruction of appearances now seem to us necessary, on account of the excess of innumerable forms of existence pressing and punching themselves into life, and of the exuberant fecundity of the world will.

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  2. It just had to be you, didn't it.

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  3. I don't recall you telling me to leave. No appreciation for the Dionysian?

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  4. ...Look. I'm really fucking sick with whatever you're playing at, so you might as well just tell me. Give me a hint...no, that's not even right. All you give is fucking "hints" to the little game you've made out of this. A game that I sure as hell am no part of. I'm just trying to get by. Just trying to eke out my meager existence in my pathetic little mouse-world (as you would probably love to call it), and you and your little buddies just have to come by and twist my words into some cryptic little...I don't even know. Are you pitying me? Trying to save me? From what? Or are you trying to run me around in circles for your own amusement? There's nothing special about me or my life, so why me?

    What the fuck do you want from me?

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  5. How cute.

    Methinks those questions would be of more use asked of a mirror, my dear mouse.

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