Sunday, March 20, 2011


In both a literal and figurative sense. My legs hurt from yesterday. I haven't danced in a long time, and being as out-of-shape as I am, my muscles weren't exactly ready for it, I don't think.

Frankly, I've felt very annoyed lately. Not at anything or anyone in particular. Just everything. My mom's voice, my brother's insults, the phone ringing, even the birds outside hurt my ears. The only thing I can listen to without getting furious is my iPod. Maybe I've just become so antisocial that it's actually affected me physically. I don't know.

Sunny and cold today, about 50. Not bad. But there's nowhere for me to go, so I'm staying in my room again. Should probably be doing my homework.

I've been scribbling in notebooks a lot lately, and habitually growing less and less conscious of what teachers say. The back of the classroom has become a favorite spot for me, whenever I can get away with it (because a lot of the time I can't; I have two classes where there is literally only ONE other student, and most of my other classes are so small that it's too easy for the teacher to spot one slacker in a sea of hard workers.

Written in IB Englisc, 9:02 am (I forget which day this was.)

Talking about existentialism in The Metamorphosis. Existential thinkers and writers "examine the struggle to find meaning in a world that is meaningless". Ex: Gregor goes through his mundane day-to-day life, searching for a purpose. He's alienated throughout the story, both physically and emotionally. He lives solely for his family, to go to work and come home, to live to make them happy. If he had shown free will, change his own destiny, perhaps he could have broken free and succeeded in his own goals.
Define who you are, instead of the world defining you.
-----> Free Will vs. Acceptance
~Kafkaesque: describes stories that 1) are marked by surreal distortion and a sense of impending danger, 2) have a nighmarish complex, bizarre or illogical quality, 3) reflect a dark, dehumanized world, 4) have a senseless, disorienting, and often menacing complexity.
Pouring rain today. Cloudy, dark. Hoping this will get rid of what's left of the snow. Otherwise, this weather's going to get real sickening, real easy.

Don't we laugh at terrible events as a way to make ourselves feel better?

~Epiphany in The Metamorphosis: When Gregor realizes he must die, after his sister openly rejects him, he has become useless to others. Ironically, he has been an outcast, an insect, an alienated being long before this.
~Gregor's life: empty, insignificant, job situation is degrading (dehumanizing) and unfulfilling, hates and wants to quit but doesn't (for his family), dreams of a different life, lack of communication with family or others (locked away in his room) or traveling, unappreciated. He is alienated from his family--turning into a bug shows the alienation even more. Is his bug shell protection from a shallow, detached, uncaring world? He has no relationship with his family, except Grete. Family only notices him when he stops working. Never appreciated him until then. He has been the sole worker of the family, but the irony is that the others could have worked, and only did after he stops.More irony in that his working was actually holding him back. HIS WORDS ARE USELESS--no one can understand a bug, after all--BUT HIS WORDS WERE USELESS BEFORE.

Perhaps I'm being overdramatic. Perhaps this is a little too extreme.
This is a lonely existence.
Do I accept? Do I have a free will? Am I alienated?
Who defines me?

Will anyone hear me if I scream?

~The universe is indifferent, and often apparently hostile to humans.
~Human existence is unexplainable. (what about inhuman...?)
~Isolation, anxiety and despair are a part of life.
~People judge life according to individual experiences.
~Freedom of choice exists, but so do the consequences of one's actions.
......~A person's own convictions, not external rules, determine truth.

Haven't I been busy, now.

Does any of this matter, anyway? Why am I even typing this? No one's reading this. I don't get a single pageview in between entries.

It doesn't matter.

Homework time now. Adieu.

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