F'htagn

Thursday, March 31, 2011

...

Up early again today. Shitty night's sleep last night, again. No dreams this time. But I feel sick to my stomach. Too tired to think of a decent title.

Found out yesterday that I'm failing Biology. Flipped a shit, got some work done, flipped another shit. Lots of crying. Tennis didn't help. Stomachache, headache, sore throat. Parents are getting on my nerve. Brother's even worse. I thought taekwondo was supposed to teach him respect. Ha. Ha fucking ha.

Wishing I didn't have to go to school today. Feeling like shit as I said already. Totally unprepared for History essay.

I can't wait until tomorrow afternoon. Fluffy hotel beds, wandering rights to the arcade and billiards parlor, and no parents.

Cannot.

Fucking.

WAIT.




Shit I think I'm bleeding.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sleepless

Almost seven in the morning. Didn't sleep very well last night, despite everything. I dreamt. I hardly ever dream. Something about British hotels where they brainwash kids into being geniuses but never let them out again. Another about friends becoming mortal enemies and trying to defeat each other with...something spicy, I forget what it was. Buffalo wing sauce or something. Hell if I know what those were all about. Woke up somewhere past midnight, wasn't able to get back to sleep for a while. Alarm went off about an hour ago, just turned it off and tried to fall back to sleep. Feeling sick as well as tired. Don't wanna go to school today, but mom would never let me stay home. Might as well go, the only thing I'll succeed in doing if I stay here much longer is get my ToK teacher mad at me. Again.


Raindrops, roses, kittens, bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with rope. Are any of these where you are?


Head is spinning. Should probably take some ibuprofen, grow a pair and go to school now. It's cold. Ciao.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Sigh~

Today was wicked stressful at school, so I'm more than happy to finally be home. My stepdad cleaned some of the house today, which was wonderful of him. I've got incense burning in my room--teakwood and cardamom, I think. Going to make some tea soon, maybe in my new teaset that I haven't taken out of the box since my parents got me it for Christmas. And with Turkish Delight. Gotta have that. And I'll probably turn some music on. This is going to be my greatest chilltime ever. I'm just glad I've got the time. I don't enjoy things like this very often.

In response to the numerous comments I suddenly got overnight (really, I'm surprised. And here I thought no one read this.): I don't know what you think you're playing at, but it's not going to work. I've seen how things are run around here. You're as subtle as bricks to the head; I'll play none of your silly games.

Although, that being said...what exactly am I expecting out of this? If people are reading this, what else does it matter...why are you reading this, anyway? I've nothing to offer you.

Tea's ready. Cheerio.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

So Many Things To Look Forward To

I'm easy like Sunday mornin'.

It's been a fairly good weekend, better than some of the other weekends I've had. The tea I mentioned in the last post is working wonders on my spirits. I've been happy as a clam. Well, as happy as a clam with IB history homework to finish can be.

Tomorrow at school we're having a welcome-back party for my English teacher. She's been out for a month due to some operation she had to get. Pizza, chips, soda, and cake. Just what a growing teenager needs in her diet, nomnomnom.

This coming weekend is the New England Key Club District Convention. I've been panicking over it because we missed the application deadline, but our President (you're wonderful, hun) said she called the guy in charge and he's trying to see if there are any rooms left at the hotel. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, because I really, REALLY need to go to this....for selfish reasons, I'll admit. I do my part as a member of Key Club, granted, and this will be a great learning experience. But what I'm really anxious for is being away from my family for an entire weekend. And the dances, oh god, the dances. It's going to be amazing.

After all, there's no rule that said the smart kids aren't allowed to have fun at all, is there?

Still writing like nuts in my journal. I haven't bothered reading through anything I've written, but I might soon. No point writing what no one will read.

...I should take my own advice.





 

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Sssssss

Making this brief as I think my mother would like her computer back.

Adaptor's dead on my laptop, for good this time I think. Can't use it again until we buy a new one since the battery's shot.

My friend pulled me to the counselor on Thursday. Worried about me she says, worried because I've become so distant and don't talk to anyone and I told her I feel like people are always staring at me staring and laughing at me behind my back and talking about me look they say look how crazy she is always looking out the window

The counselor wants me to start weekly visits with her. I told her I was perfectly fine with that (I need help coping with all this IB stress, anyway, so I think it would do me some good) but without my mom's permission she can't do anything. Dunno if she's contacted her yet.

In the meantime, I've been trying to take matters into my own hands. The weather's gradually getting nicer and nicer, and there's not much to do since my laptop's not working, so I've been spending a lot of time outside. Reading, writing. Tennis practice has also been really helpful. Gives me a way to channel my emotions.

Bought a few things at a local apothecary today: antidepression tea and a quartz stone. My counselor recommended drinking tea as a way to relax, so I figure it's worth a shot. The quartz, though, was my own doing. It's supposed to cleanse and amplify spiritual energy and help your psyche find its centre. A way, if I may, to clear the path to truth.

If you believe all that shit. Which I suppose I do.


Beautiful day out, if not a little chilly. I might go out at finish reading House of Leaves. It's getting so gooood~

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sore

In both a literal and figurative sense. My legs hurt from yesterday. I haven't danced in a long time, and being as out-of-shape as I am, my muscles weren't exactly ready for it, I don't think.

Frankly, I've felt very annoyed lately. Not at anything or anyone in particular. Just everything. My mom's voice, my brother's insults, the phone ringing, even the birds outside hurt my ears. The only thing I can listen to without getting furious is my iPod. Maybe I've just become so antisocial that it's actually affected me physically. I don't know.

Sunny and cold today, about 50. Not bad. But there's nowhere for me to go, so I'm staying in my room again. Should probably be doing my homework.

I've been scribbling in notebooks a lot lately, and habitually growing less and less conscious of what teachers say. The back of the classroom has become a favorite spot for me, whenever I can get away with it (because a lot of the time I can't; I have two classes where there is literally only ONE other student, and most of my other classes are so small that it's too easy for the teacher to spot one slacker in a sea of hard workers.

Written in IB Englisc, 9:02 am (I forget which day this was.)

Talking about existentialism in The Metamorphosis. Existential thinkers and writers "examine the struggle to find meaning in a world that is meaningless". Ex: Gregor goes through his mundane day-to-day life, searching for a purpose. He's alienated throughout the story, both physically and emotionally. He lives solely for his family, to go to work and come home, to live to make them happy. If he had shown free will, change his own destiny, perhaps he could have broken free and succeeded in his own goals.
Define who you are, instead of the world defining you.
-----> Free Will vs. Acceptance
~Kafkaesque: describes stories that 1) are marked by surreal distortion and a sense of impending danger, 2) have a nighmarish complex, bizarre or illogical quality, 3) reflect a dark, dehumanized world, 4) have a senseless, disorienting, and often menacing complexity.
Pouring rain today. Cloudy, dark. Hoping this will get rid of what's left of the snow. Otherwise, this weather's going to get real sickening, real easy.

Don't we laugh at terrible events as a way to make ourselves feel better?

~Epiphany in The Metamorphosis: When Gregor realizes he must die, after his sister openly rejects him, he has become useless to others. Ironically, he has been an outcast, an insect, an alienated being long before this.
~Gregor's life: empty, insignificant, job situation is degrading (dehumanizing) and unfulfilling, hates and wants to quit but doesn't (for his family), dreams of a different life, lack of communication with family or others (locked away in his room) or traveling, unappreciated. He is alienated from his family--turning into a bug shows the alienation even more. Is his bug shell protection from a shallow, detached, uncaring world? He has no relationship with his family, except Grete. Family only notices him when he stops working. Never appreciated him until then. He has been the sole worker of the family, but the irony is that the others could have worked, and only did after he stops.More irony in that his working was actually holding him back. HIS WORDS ARE USELESS--no one can understand a bug, after all--BUT HIS WORDS WERE USELESS BEFORE.

Perhaps I'm being overdramatic. Perhaps this is a little too extreme.
This is a lonely existence.
Do I accept? Do I have a free will? Am I alienated?
Who defines me?

Will anyone hear me if I scream?

~The universe is indifferent, and often apparently hostile to humans.
~Human existence is unexplainable. (what about inhuman...?)
~Isolation, anxiety and despair are a part of life.
~People judge life according to individual experiences.
~Freedom of choice exists, but so do the consequences of one's actions.
......~A person's own convictions, not external rules, determine truth.

Haven't I been busy, now.

Does any of this matter, anyway? Why am I even typing this? No one's reading this. I don't get a single pageview in between entries.

It doesn't matter.

Homework time now. Adieu.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Slow Day

So. No new pageviews. No new comments/trolls. Guess everyone's been out with a case of spring fever like me?

~Today was ABSOLUTELY. GORGEOUS. It hit 62 outside, which is a big deal here, especially at the end of winter.

~Covered the inside covers of one of my composition books with Operator symbols. I'm kinda upset I ended up leaving it at school, hopefully it'll be there tomorrow. ;~;

~Told off a douchey freshman during lunch. My friend wasn't feeling her best today, and for some reason he just couldn't take the hint and leave her alone. So I just went up to him, point-blank, and said "Hey, would you kindly fuck off? She's having a hard time." I'm not known for having enough cajones to stand up to someone like that, so I got pretty excited later. He deserved it, anyway. Nyah.

~My substitute English teacher is a nutjob, but in a good way. She decided to wear a cockroach costume she'd bought online for our discussion of The Metamorphosis. When we walked into the class, she was laying flat on the table with her arms and legs flailing like crazy. Definitely the hightlight of school.

I've finally gotten that three-week-long craving for lemonade out of my system, it was warm and sunny and I voluntarily wore a skirt today (HOLY SHIT) and got to go out to dinner with my mom. It was actually really relaxing. I've still got my blinds open, even though it's dark. I should probably close them.

~~~

Met a dancer
Who was high in a field
From her movement
Caught my breath on my way home
Couldn't stop that spinning force
I felt in me
Everything around seemed to giggle glee
She walked up with a flower and I cared

~~~

Back to homework it is, then. Bonne nuit, mes amis.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Studying

Read The Metamorphosis in English, currently taking notes on Kafka and the elements found in his work. It's surprising how tedious this is.

Surrealism:

~began in early 1920s and centered in Paris, France
~attracted members of the "Dada" community (must look up at a later time)
~sought to release the creative potential of the unconscious mind
~art without the intention or restraints of logical comprehensibility
~features the element of surprise, unexpected juxtapositions and non sequitur
~influenced by the work of psychoanalysts (ex. Freud and Jung)


Why are all the notes on existentialism so incredibly long? Wiki, I pout at thee.

It's times like these I wish I had something to entertain me. None of the Slendervlogs have been updated for a while--I'm guessing EMH is waiting for HABIT's Trial 5 to finish, or at least get a little more underway--but I'm anxious to find out how things are going down in MH. It's almost too quiet. Wherefore art thou, mein Ritter?

It doesn't help that I've had so much homework lately that I can't do much of anything for fun...and believe me, procrastination is not fun when you know you've got something you have to finish.

Hey, ghosties? Have you ever felt bored with life? I don't mean a regular bored. I mean a heavy-on-your-shoulders, heart-crushing, "you could write a Broadway musical number about it" type of boredom. An "I wish I could be someone else for a little while, just to see if it's more exciting" boredom. A boredom so drastic that you wish you could change the whole way of the universe, just to see if your life would have any meaning to yourself. That kind of bored.


Quick definition of existentialism: a philosophical movement argues that "existence precedes essence," that individuals must choose, decide their "essential" nature rather than having it given from some transcendent source.


Thank you, Google. Perhaps I should pay better attention to my homework. Au revoir.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Staring

Wow, I sound really zoned out in my last post. Jumping all over the place...it must have been late. This is why I don't stay up unless I've had an energy drink. Last night, I had an energy drink, Pocky, AND I indulged myself in a two-feet-long strip of bubble wrap while watching Dragonball Z and German football. Yeah, I was bouncing off the walls eight hours ago. c:

Not much else to talk about. Things have been pretty calm here. The weather was nice yesterday, so I actually walked around a bit, went down to the park. Today, it's raining again. Damn you, inconsistent New England climate. I've had an awful cough for the past few.....months?....but I think it's finally starting to go away. So despite the gloominess, I feel terrific today. We'll see how long that lasts. I think I have Theory of Knowledge homework to finish. Ew.

Ways of Knowing: Perception, Language, Reason, Emotion

Areas of Knowledge: History, Mathematics, Ethics, Human Sciences, The Arts, Natural Sciences

Justifications for Belief: Self-Awareness ("I think, therefore I am"?), Memory, Authority, Revelation, "Consensus Gentium", Faith, Intuition, Sense Perception, Logic

Links: Belief, Certainty, Culture, Evidence, Experience, Explanation, Bias, Interpretation, Truth, Value, Technology


Types of Thinkers

Dogmatic/Prejudiced
~Obvious things must be true.
~We can easily attain certainty.
~ToK isn't important and doesn't apply to 'the real world'.
~I know the truth.
~My standards are better than any other standards.
~My culture is the best in every way.

Relativist/Sceptical
~Nothing is what it seems to be.
~Certainty is impossible.
~The goal of ToK is to be able to be sceptical about everything.
~There is no such thing as truth.
~There are no standards by which to judge anything.
~All cultural perspectives are equally valid.

The Critical Thinker
~Things are not always what they seem to be; we must examine and analyze.
~Certainty is very difficult to come by in all except the simplest cases (and even in many of those).
~We are all searching for the truth, but it is hard to say that we know we have found it.
~Many standards are defensible, but many are not.
~I have considered several positions, and i know and can justify what I believe to be reasonable and unreasonable.

The world is confusing, opinions abound. Our common sense contains inaccuracies, biases, prejudices, old wives tales. We acquire knowledge abot the world through language, perception, reason and emotion, but none guarentee us certainty. According to relativism, truth is relative to the individual, but we often take seriously that someone may be wrong in their beliefs suggests that relativism is false. There is so little white and black certainty in the world, we must rely on judgment, good judgment. Good judgment relies on a balance between scepticism and open-mindedness. Two early criteria for deciding if a knowledge claim is plausible are evidence and coherence. Since we are what we believe and our beliefs affect our actions, if we want to be authentic and responsible we should occasionally put our beliefs under critical scrutiny.


These are the sheets I get from ToK. It's funny how it can apply to so much.

































































Friday, March 11, 2011

Sad Faces

The AC adaptor to my laptop wasn't working when I got home from school today, so Fabio is currently out of commission. Poor things. So cold.

Went to my mom's friend's house around seven. What a nice house. It's in the nice part of the city, where there aren't inner-city thugs to nail your ass. More trees than houses out there, I think. I kept leaving what I was doingevery few minutes to check my Facebook...I hope they don't think I was too rude. Kicked a little girl's ass at pool. I also got a set of "worry dolls" that the mother found in the back of her walk-in closet.. She didn't really explain how I'm supposed to use them. I think I'm supposed to whisper my worries to them and put them back in the box, so they take the worries away? Pff. Those poor dolls will all be deaf by the time I'm done with them.

It's late. Must be getting to sleep soon. Gute nacht, to ghost readers and trolls alike. Sleep well.

Sans Sunshine

But I'm not dead yet, lovelies.

These last couple days have been very stressful. I've been handling it by not doing my homework. Not the best idea, I know. I've been comforted by the play we've been planning (the one I went shopping for on Monday) because it's kept me busy. But now the play is done. We performed it yesterday. There's not going to be anything to distract me from school now. Needless to say, not looking forward to getting up right now and getting ready to go to school.

It's been raining again. Pouring, rather. So grey outside. So cold and wet and rainy.

I know a lot of people who despise March weather. They find it "dead", it dampens their spirits. Honestly? I love it. The rain is so calming to listen to outside my window, and the trees look so pretty when they sway in the wind. And it really just means spring is on the way, so even if it's fogged up outside my window, so much that I can't see anything, I can wait for the nice weather. The flowers will grow better after this, anyway.

Though I don't like going outside much.

Lately I've been really prone to crying. Not that I haven't been like that since, what, last November? But it's been getting worse, to the point that if I think of one little bitty thing that makes me upset I break down into sobs. Then if thinking about something makes me happy, I know it will never happen and it makes me cry more. And then there's my brother. You know, if he would just leave me the fuck alone, maybe I'd be that little bit happier. When I'm staring out the window so forlornly, he'll ask me what I'm doing and why I'm being "emo". "I'm not being emo." "Then why are you staring outside." And I'll say something jokingly, like "I'm looking for Slenderman. I keep seeing him moving out of the corner of my eye." Then he'll roll his eyes. "You're fucking nuts," he'll say, "Slenderman's not real, so quit talking about him. That's all you ever talk about, you stupid bitch."

He has no right to talk to me like that. But he does it anyway because he knows he can get away with it. He's fourteen and takes jiujitsu. I'm sixteen and too lazy to roll myself out of bed in the morning. So he can sit there and call me fat and lazy and ugly and tell me that no boy would ever want me because I'm a raging psychopath, and if I try to say something back he'll punch me or twist my arm. And if I hit him in retaliation or try to break free when he puts me in a chokehold, I'm the one that gets in trouble because they never saw him do anything and I'm the one that's supposed to be setting an example for my younger sibling. And that's only when I actually see him. I don't have any friends that live in my immediate neighborhood like he does. He's out almost all day when he can be, hanging out with his friends at the park.

Sometimes I wish Slenderman really did exist. If only to scare my brother shitless.

Drip drop, drizzle drizzle. What a beautiful sound.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Such a Beautiful Day

So much nicer than yesterday. The sun is shining, there's barely a cloud in the sky, the birds are twittering endlessly outside my window. Still freezing, though.

I stayed home today. My mom's not very happy about it. But I have so much homework that I need to get done. I'm going to have another breakdown if I don't finish it by the end of the day, so I'm trying to keep this post short.

A drug raid, seven fights, and two people sent to the hospital. That is what I found out happened yesterday, while I was at the college fair. A good two hundred of our thousand students ran rampant through the school. I don't feel safe. Even worse, I worry that this will become so bad that eventually the administrators won't be able to stop them. I'm one of less than 10% of the school that actually does what they're supposed to. And that's just now. I skipped class, my grades are slacking. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost.

I just want to stay here in my room and stare out the window all day long. It's wide-open right now--the window. It's gotten cold in my room. But I don't want to close it. The weather's too nice.

I should probably do those math problems now. Hooray for chi-squared tests.

Monday, March 7, 2011

School, Shopping and Slenderhugs

Today has been an interesting day, to say the least. Our school was invited to a college fair a while back and I signed up, so I got to spend the bulk of the day there. (The old fairgrounds are so nice. They seem so small when it's not bustling with people and vendors, but still so beautiful. <3) Looked into a few colleges around my area, but none of them really appealed to me; all of the colleges I'm planning on applying for weren't participating except one. Highlight of the fair was definitely hanging out with my friend Lorraine in the Heroes & Legends Cafe inside the building. $4.50 for a cheeseburger; but with good food and better company it was sooooo worth it.

The afternoon was less....well, good. I had an episode in Math, like I do so often. I just let my thoughts and all the stress catch up to me and, I dunno. I just burst into tears. So I ended up skipping last block. My Chinese teacher found out. I'm liable to find a pair of chopsticks run through my throat by Wednesday.

After school, though, THAT was the fun part of the day. I'm currently in a play written and directed by our esteemed America (again, very difficult to explain) and today we went out to the nearby Salvation Army surplus store to get costumes. When it comes to fashion, I'm......I fail, plain and simple. And I'm horribly self-conscious. Thank the higher powers I have friends with fashion sense, otherwise I'd be wearing a potato sack for the play, or worse. Of course, to get there, I had to boldly go where I had never gone before. *big buildup*

DUN DUN DUN.....the public bus.

I'm so proud of myself. I was so freaked, but nothing happened. It was actually kinda fun!

We had so much fun there. There were hardly any people there, so we just ran along the aisles with our carts, picking out dresses and military uniforms. Not all dresses were for the girls, either. We convinced one of the guys to try on several of the....skinnier pieces. Eventually we found him a suit, which fit his character. Butbutbut. Someone picked out the right color tie and everything, and GO FIGURE he looked like Slenderman. It doesn't help that he's really skinny, either. I convinced him to give me a hug. Such a wonderful guy.

Things have died down now. The rain that's been going on outside all weekend finally ended this morning, only to be replaced with snow for an hour around noon. Now it's just really windy and really cold outside, which isn't that bad, just.....cold outside. I can hear the windchimes outside going crazy outside. I'm currenly procrastinating my History and Biology work. It sucks, I feel so tired right now but I know I have to get my homework done. I'm so doomed next year...if IB gets any harder than this, I wouldn't mind stabbing MYSELF with chopsticks.

Later, gators.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Salutations

First things first, as always. Can't have a blog without people knowing who you are.

Name's Z. Well, not really. Z, Izzy, Z-star, etc. etc. I'm sixteen, junior in high school, full IB student. Parents who want me to be molded in their perfect image, want me to grow up and become a doctor/ambassador/physicist or what not, my younger brother's a jerk, I'm fat and ugly and no one understands me and I have no friends and blah blah blah insert general teenage bitchiness here.

Now that that's out of the way.

I'm sort of a jack-of-all-trades. I can do some of everything but not all of something. Writing, drawing, some acting. I've recently become interested in European History due to one particular anime I'm absolutely in love with (pray someone out there knows which I'm talking about....veeee.) I love logic-based puzzles and riddles--Professor Layton-y type stuff. That's probably why I've also fallen pray to the Slenderman Mythos. There's just so much to think about, so much to figure out for yourself. What's real, what's not, red herrings and coded messages galore....makes me all giddy inside. <3 (Also why I kinda-sorta like my Theory of Knowledge class despite having the teacher from Hell.) I'm also a sucker for online roleplaying.

In truth, I really don't have many people to hang out with. I mean, plenty of friends, but none of them live close to my house like my brother's friends do. They're always out gallavanting around the neighborhood, picking fights with other kids and messing around at the park, skateboarding. And I'm the loser, go figure. So I spend a lot of time online, or reading. *total bookworm, otl*

Hm. Seems like a decent amount of information. Lates, peeps.